If I had picked up that last bottle of water the way I pick up girls, I wouldn’t be writing this through teeth that are clenched and grinding due to the pain in my chest! I am a powerful man because early in my college career I became a stereotypical “gym rat”. The sound of 45-pound plates rattling and clanking in rhythm with me brings solitude and calm.
Weight-lifting is my selfish indulgence in silent meditation.
As I developed my musculature, I was careful to always be mindful not to take it for granted or try to intimidate anyone. I was a nerd of a fat kid who had been bullied, and I decided to never become one, no matter why physical advantages I developed.
To this day I have never broken a promise to myself.
Still, my ego and only true adversary, showed me why I have to stay vigilant.
I’m writing this between twinges of pain in my sternum.
As I left my office the other day, a woman I have a great deal of respect for asked if I’d help by replacing the five-gallon tank on the water cooler. Even if it wasn’t me who drank the last cool cup I would have done the same thing. I smiled and said “no problem”! A five-gallon jug of water weighs a shade under 42 pounds. A weight I can and have picked up and thrown with one hand.
My ego duped me into forgetting something crucial; weights in the gym are balanced and symmetrical.
I snatched the five-gallon jug by the neck with one hand and broke no fewer than four fundamental rules of picking things up because I didn’t pick it up the way I pick up girls.
How I pick up girls is relevant. When I tell a girl that I am going to pick her up at a certain time for the first date it is almost always to make Bread at my house. When I first see her, I pretend that I am going to give her a hug, then I ben my knees and drop down until I am eye-level with her belly-button, wrap my arms around her (just under her butt) and pick her up into the air!
This is when most girls have a miniature panic attack.
So, I break the ice with “I told you I was picking you up at 8, didn’t I!?
(This is the worst joke she will have heard in her entire life.)
However, when at the peak of my wightlifting success, I have the neck thickness of a minotaur, arms with the coiled power of sea serpents, the torso depth of a leviathan, and thigh girth like a Japanese Mecha! All wrapped in the confidence of a man with a lifetime of accomplishment and success with girls and weights! She will laugh like it’s the funniest thing she will hear in her entire life!
I didn’t pick up the water with the same strategic care as I do girls and now I am suffering for it.
- I didn’t bend at the knees.
- I didn’t use both hands on an object too wide for one hand to grip without strain.
- I rushed.
I also woke up 48 hours later thinking I was having a heart-attack because the right side of my chest hurt when I inhaled!
Less than an hour after I woke up I was being examined, the doctor explained that I had a simple pull on my sternum, not a tear or bruise. She came to this clever conclusion after asking me if I have ever smoked, used drugs, or drank alcohol. To which I replied, “No, no, & no.” Just to safe, she put her hand on my sternum and said the three words every patient fears:
“Does this hurt?”
She then proceeded to try and push her hand through my sternum like a spear! I promptly screamed, and simultaneously had to clench my butthole. If I hadn’t, I am certain I would be the first person barred from the hospital, or under serious observation.
She smiled, sat down, and explained that heart attacks don’t hurt on the outside, muscles do.
Now I have to take a non-narcotic pain pill every 12 hours for the next few days before I can do any weightlifting again.
When picking up girls or weights, don’t repeat my mistake. Do not become arrogant with the power we develop and remember; the basics are rules we are taught early to avoid learning painful lessons later.
If what I wrote is interesting or you enjoyed it, send $5 in BitCoin to this address.
It’ll buy me coffee to fuel my mind while I write!
YusefWateef (at) Gmail (dot) com
Bonus: When I am about to go the gym, I listen to C.T. Fletcher, he is the voice in my head when I lift!